He’s pretty great…

It’s just, so much complete bullcrap has been going on surrounding this.

As hard as you you try to put shit in the past, it ALWAYS has a way of fucking you.

That stupid ass hoefart has been at the bar I frequent.
And I don’t know what to do. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but I can’t say anything to him. I swore/swear up and down, that I’ll never speak to that hoefart again. I have good reason, I’m not being illogical.

Le sigh.

I want this boy so bad ):

60% of what you say, when you’re drunk is true.
I just kinda wish I was drunk.
I also wish I could sleep.

It’s elusive on nights like these.
My books don’t help.
Neither does caffeine I suppose. I guess cola and late night books and thinking too much don’t go much hand in hand. Unless you’re sitting at cafe brazil with a mocha.

Which… Still isn’t cola….

Damn.

I’ve got to go to bed. And, cola, isn’t code for nasty snorts. Just code for soda.

:le sigh:

I swore I would never speak to him again.
But, recently, all I can think of, and even fucking dream, (I fucking dream about him) is seeing him one last time.

I’m taking that, as me needing to see him. And I do. I’m trying so hard to make this new relationship work, but can’t stop thinking about him.

I think, maybe a sit down dinner, where I can get everything off my chest, and he his, if there’s anything on his part, would be ok? I honestly think, the closure of it all would give me a sense of peace, and help me move forward.

I’m wary though..
I don’t want to get to see him, and then just fall apart. Which is a possibility.

I don’t want anyone with me. Or him. I want one on one. I want to finally put this to the rest that it needs, so that I can move forward.

But, at the same time, I don’t want to compromise in my stance of, ‘you disrespected my family, I’ll never speak to you again.’ he did. He dealt a super low blow to me.

I’m conflicted. Terribly.
I know it would be, maybe a good thing.
But should I give up a promise I made to myself, for my family?

I won’t let you, close enough to hurt me…

I can’t. A year ago today, I got the call that you had gone. I got the call that tore my life apart. And I still haven’t put it back together. My mother, my everything.

I love you.
I miss you.
And, right now, I need you so much.
I wish I could talk to you one last time.
Hear you laugh again.
I feel lost.

I miss you.
I love you.

But you’re still with me in my dreams, and tonight boy, it’s only you and me.

I wish this was about my boyfriend…

I would lie, and say that you’re not on my mind,
But I go out, and I sit down, at a table set for two, and finally I’m forced to face the truth, no matter what I say, I’m, not over you.

I want the one thing that’s worst for me. And I want it now. Now. Now. Now. Dammit.

But I’m too cowardly.

It’s only a text away.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Good.

Today was surreal. I’ve never watched someone die before.
And I never want to see it again.

Did you ever see ‘The Great Mouse Detective’, as a child? I did. It was probably one of the scariest movies I watched as a child.

And it’s funny, because, as an adult, parts still scare me.

Other parts, are relatable.

Funny, how mice can offer guidance.

In the beginning, he builds his daughter a beautiful ballerina flower/mouse that dances.

And for a while, that was my life. A beautiful dance. But, you can only step the same way so many times before the repetition is boring.

But then, Professor Ratigan comes along and smashes the ballerina.

And.. That’s where I am. The repetition was nice, but, now I just feel like a broken toy.

I’ve felt this way for so long, that, even when the new kid came and picked me up, it just felt like he was picking up the broken pieces, and playing like they were ok.

It makes me feel bad, like, I’m trying to put broken pieces into a new box, and sell them as if nothing is damaged.

But, I don’t know what to do, with this broken toy. I know it’s not fair to give to a new owner, or, even let him take it home, eventually.

But, I don’t know what to do…

Sometimes, I hate having money. Especially when I go out.

In sitting at a bar with my drink, eye raping this menu. I don’t think I’m actually hungry. Just wanting to buy food because I can. Fail. It’s not even the drink talking because this is only number 1.

Money is baaaaaadddddd.